Happy November 1st and All Souls Day! I'm really feeling the end of the year this week and contemplating what a year it's been. Part of that has me thinking about Identity this morning.
I think identity has a lot to do with my depression. If you don't know who you are, then you are going to always try to fit into someone else's idea of who you are. And you will fail. And you will feel like you are not good enough. And I have never felt good enough.
I won't bore you with my life long history of trying to fit in, to be perfect, to be popular, blah blah blah. I'll just say that it seems to be a theme in my life, all my life. It's exhausting. And when you finally realize you don't want to try anymore, you realize you don't really know who you and where you fit it. It's lonely and depressing.
I guess I've always known a few parts of my identity. I'm a daughter. But then my mother died and that part of my identity was severed. I'm still a daughter to my father. But my identity as my mother's daughter doesn't exist any longer. And it's weird. So I'm trying to concentrate on a newly found hugely important part of me. I'm an artist. I don't know what kind of artist I am yet. I paint happy puppies. But I also paint the dark macabre. Both are a part of me. I'm thankful I have art in my life so I can explore who I am. And I hope my work can help me find my identity. It's what I plan to work on this next year. And maybe someday soon, I'll know exactly who I am and I'll be ok with myself.